Little pains

Dear Soul:

Blogger tells me to speak about what I’m passionate about, but I will use this space to speak about my things. You know, what’s happening to me in my life. This is what I am passionate about. I can write here lines and lines without bothering anybody so here I go.
Today I will tell you about my little pains. I don’t know if it’s the same for everybody, but I always feel little pains. Right now I have a headache, for example. When I got up too, but it disappeared. Then, my heart aches. Then, my stomach. Then, my skin itches. Then, I have a little wound. Then, my back - my back very few times. I cannot sleep nicely some nights and I am very tired the whole day. I cannot go to the bathroom nicely. Almost every day, I feel like an electricity in my butt. I told this to the doctors but they laughed at me.
I don’t complain about my little pains cause they are always coming and going, it’s not like an illness you can heal. It’s now your stomach, the next minute your head, and so on. Everything is ok but everything is hurting. I cannot go to the doctors cause as I said, it’s a lot of little things. They only try to heal you when you’re very sick of only one thing.
Besides, they give you pills for everything. Pills for headaches, pills for digestion, pills for sleeping nicely- they should give pills to my neighbors to stop making noise, too, cause sometimes it’s because of them.
I don’t have problems like stress, anxiety, despair, fear... I consider myself a very calm person. It’s hard to affect me, in bad and good senses. But sometimes I feel depressed. You know, I am always feeling little pains- right now is my skin itching, but not very much - and I don’t connect nicely with people around me. A lot of people would say this is stupid and I don’t stand anything.
Everybody has their own problems, these are mine.
It’s nice to write here. You know, I write to somebody and then I read it like I was reading something written by another person. It’s better than psychologists. I have three psychologists in my life. They said I didn’t have any problem, but still I was going there. I don’t know why cause if I have not any problem, it’s useless to go there. But my mother and my sister wanted me to go there.
They listen to you and they give you their point of view. Sometimes, they don’t say anything and they just ask questions and listen to you so it’s like speaking alone.
I remember one of them told me to do homework, like I was in the school. A task after every session, like “draw this situation”, “write your dreams” or things like these ones. She didn’t offer me any solution, but this helped me to listen to myself. It’s like writing here.
This last psychologist always asked me “how do you feel?”. I never knew what to answer. I was very sick because of my skin problem back then, so I felt my skin itching badly. I could not feel anything else. But she knew I had this skin problem so it would be too obvious to say my skin was itching so I always said “Fine.”
My skin problem was the worst pain I felt. Depending on the time, it can itch a little bit - like in this moment- or you can wish to die. I spent my teens wishing to die because of this. Every day, every hour, every minute felt very, very, very uncomfortable and the doctors didn’t have any solution. So when you’re feeling so bad and they told you your future will be as bad as it is in this moment, with pain and without hope, you want to die. Maybe you think I am weak, but it’s not easy to live every minute of your life like you had a lot of needles coming and going from all your body.
I am not healed of this problem but I improved a lot, it’s like a completely different life now. I can do almost everything a normal person can do. I will not tell you how it felt the worst times, but when you scratch yourself and you get your own skin in your fingers and a liquid covering your skin... This is not comfortable. No, it’s not.
PS: It’s a nonsense, cause I went nicely to the bathroom this early morning. Then, I slept a bit again and I went to the bathroom awfully. If it was because of the food, I should have gone badly first, but it was the second time. Besides, after that I felt the electricity in my butt and my stomach behaving like a wash machine. It’s completely crazy. I feel good but then I feel bad and then I feel good again. What should I do? I don’t care about the food anymore cause it has nothing to do with it. I use to make strict diets but it’s the same as nothing.