Dear Soul,
Before telling you more about my childhood, I will speak about extraterrestrial life. Lately I’ve been thinking very much about it. Are they here? What’s their purpose? Are they messing with us like dead people do? Do they want to help us?
It’s a very strange topic. When I was about 4 years old, I watched an UFO. It scared me and I ran into my bed to cover me with my blankets. It’s something that should not be there, something unknown. Nobody believed in UFOs when I was a child, at least not logical people. Only crazy ones who went to talk shows on TV dressed with very strange costumes and they looked like a spectacle. Scientists and people like this, they never believed in UFOs.
This was in my childhood. I believed in Catholic Church and I went all sundays to pray and listen to the weekly ritual. I felt very guilty when I didn’t go there. They said you’re a bad person if you forget about God and I also prayed every night before going to bed. My mother commanded me to do so, and my school was a religious one, too. We also prayed in the morning before starting classes, and some special days we visited the church of our neighborhood. We also had two little churches in our school, one separated and decorated like an ancient one and the other was more like a praying room inside the normal school. After this school I went to another one which was catholic, too. They said God created everything, and he’s pure love.
I believed this so hardly. They said the worst thing that can happen to you is forgetting about God, but God will always be there waiting for you if you lose yourself and you want to come home again. So I started to not believe that much. I thought “I cannot say God is true cause I cannot watch it, but because of this same reason I cannot deny God, so I will not believe neither deny him”. I read a very famous book then, “Conversations with God”. This book says that you’re creating your own reality together with God. It was a very empowering book, I liked it very much. It also spoke about life outside of the Earth, it said they are our old brothers and sisters. I started to believe in extraterrestrial life, in that moment. I started trying to create my own reality too, cause the book gave very interesting clues about how to make it.
At the same time, I started to be different than people around me. My mind started to think differently than them and I had to switch my thoughts: when I was with them, I thought like them. When I was alone, I explored my reality on my own.
I started to search about UFOs, reading a lot of New Age information, following very important figures there, I tried to expand my mind. I reached a moment when it was the same as before: “I cannot believe this cause I cannot see it, but I cannot deny it because of the same reason”. Then, I watched strange lights in the night sky, at least three times. Maybe even more, cause I watched more strange things but I am not very secure about if they really were strange lights outside logical explanations.
Back then I already knew we are creating our reality, so I felt I was connected to them for some reason. Maybe reading a lot of UFO information prepared my mind to see them.
Then, I watched an interview to a man saying he’s talking really to ETs through the internet. I though in Spanish “ya están aquí”, which is something similar to “finally, they have already come”. I was believing very much in 2012 theories, that something spectacular will happen to Earth as people awaken and I thought this was the beginning. History happening in front of my eyes. ETs starting to talk to humanity.
Then I watched to the videos. I found the explanation to many things I couldn’t explain before, and even more. But at the same time, reality became so dark. I couldn’t believe certain things. I mean, I knew governments are thieves stealing us all, but I couldn’t deal with the idea they go beyond that. It was like the surface of reality started to split with the reality lying inside very much. At the beginning, when I was reading New Age information and that, I started to understand corporations and governments are crazy and pure liars. But now it’s like I only trust myself.
It’s like everything hides a dark intention, and you cannot act like everything is going right cause you will fall in their traps. But at the same time, you cannot act like everything is going wrong cause you will look like a very crazy person. So I just really believe in what I have in front of me, right now (if it’s not a human person with the capacity of lying). I can dream a lot, but in real facts I only trust myself watching what’s in front of me in the present moment. Everything else can be real too or fake.
I don’t believe, neither deny. I let life show me the truth as time passes by. I need to do this to survive. I don’t attach myself to any idea anymore, cause everything I believed was falling.
People were such a liars. They are lying all the time, they say one thing but they want the opposite. They always want to use you for something but they cannot tell you openly so they lie, and lie, and lie. Usually, they don’t want to use you for something good. But they want you to trust them even when you’re watching clearly they only want to abuse you. It’s so crazy. I don’t rely on anybody anymore. Only in myself. In my Self: my Soul.
I wonder how things really work outside of this. At this point, I feel there’s extraterrestrial life out there (in fact, I watched UFOs) but everything is under layers and layers of lies. Who they really are? What do they really want? What are they doing? How much do they know about us? Will we be able to meet them in the future? Do they have expectations from us? Why are they here? It seems there’s a lot of them visiting us. Some reason should have leaded them here.
I feel I am knowing less everyday. Even the certain things, which I took for granted, I don’t believe them anymore. I don’t know what’s about to happen, but I feel things are changing so fast lately. Let’s see what happens. I trust my higher Self is taking care of me. I really experienced it so many times. Maybe this is the only thing I really believe. When I feel confident, it’s like sun is shining more brightly, and I find the things I am searching for. When I hurt my finger, for example. I do nothing at all, and the wound heals alone. There must be some positive force ruling us, ruling it all. I cannot deny it cause I watch it with my eyes, so I have to believe it.

Dear Soul:

I will tell you about my childhood. I was very sick when I was a baby. My mother told me I almost die. My p*ssy was very delicate and it got red easily. It still is today. I often have wounds there, it itches me very much and I have to be very careful when I wash it up. My mother said that, thanks to her and how much she cared about me, I was saved. She said she was changing my diapers all the time to protect my delicate skin.

It’s strange cause she’s not that delicate. I don’t remember this, but I remember once I was worse of my skin problem. I had liquid all over my back, and she was covering it with bandages. She was very clumsy hurting me all the time with her nails and I had to ask her to stop and I put all the bandages by myself. I was a teenager when this happened.

As I was saying, I almost die when I was a baby. My mother said doctors put a lot of tubes in my head, and it was a pity to see me like this. When I was growing, I started to feel better. Even though I kept sick. My mother said the doctor taking care of me was so dedicated, and she didn’t want anybody else to touch me unless her.

My skin problem was the worst sickness I carried on during my childhood. My family was always searching for healers to recover my skin. I visited a lot of them, and a tried a lot of remedies. Some of them hurt. I took baths in miraculous waters and it was worse. After drying my body, I went to the living room to play a basic video game of putting pieces together. It was relaxing. Cause my mother said I looked like a cat in despair- it’s said cats don’t like water, that’s why.

A lot of things happened in my childhood so maybe I write a saga of posts just talking about it.
See you soon.

Dear Soul:

Blogger tells me to speak about what I’m passionate about, but I will use this space to speak about my things. You know, what’s happening to me in my life. This is what I am passionate about. I can write here lines and lines without bothering anybody so here I go.
Today I will tell you about my little pains. I don’t know if it’s the same for everybody, but I always feel little pains. Right now I have a headache, for example. When I got up too, but it disappeared. Then, my heart aches. Then, my stomach. Then, my skin itches. Then, I have a little wound. Then, my back - my back very few times. I cannot sleep nicely some nights and I am very tired the whole day. I cannot go to the bathroom nicely. Almost every day, I feel like an electricity in my butt. I told this to the doctors but they laughed at me.
I don’t complain about my little pains cause they are always coming and going, it’s not like an illness you can heal. It’s now your stomach, the next minute your head, and so on. Everything is ok but everything is hurting. I cannot go to the doctors cause as I said, it’s a lot of little things. They only try to heal you when you’re very sick of only one thing.
Besides, they give you pills for everything. Pills for headaches, pills for digestion, pills for sleeping nicely- they should give pills to my neighbors to stop making noise, too, cause sometimes it’s because of them.
I don’t have problems like stress, anxiety, despair, fear... I consider myself a very calm person. It’s hard to affect me, in bad and good senses. But sometimes I feel depressed. You know, I am always feeling little pains- right now is my skin itching, but not very much - and I don’t connect nicely with people around me. A lot of people would say this is stupid and I don’t stand anything.
Everybody has their own problems, these are mine.
It’s nice to write here. You know, I write to somebody and then I read it like I was reading something written by another person. It’s better than psychologists. I have three psychologists in my life. They said I didn’t have any problem, but still I was going there. I don’t know why cause if I have not any problem, it’s useless to go there. But my mother and my sister wanted me to go there.
They listen to you and they give you their point of view. Sometimes, they don’t say anything and they just ask questions and listen to you so it’s like speaking alone.
I remember one of them told me to do homework, like I was in the school. A task after every session, like “draw this situation”, “write your dreams” or things like these ones. She didn’t offer me any solution, but this helped me to listen to myself. It’s like writing here.
This last psychologist always asked me “how do you feel?”. I never knew what to answer. I was very sick because of my skin problem back then, so I felt my skin itching badly. I could not feel anything else. But she knew I had this skin problem so it would be too obvious to say my skin was itching so I always said “Fine.”
My skin problem was the worst pain I felt. Depending on the time, it can itch a little bit - like in this moment- or you can wish to die. I spent my teens wishing to die because of this. Every day, every hour, every minute felt very, very, very uncomfortable and the doctors didn’t have any solution. So when you’re feeling so bad and they told you your future will be as bad as it is in this moment, with pain and without hope, you want to die. Maybe you think I am weak, but it’s not easy to live every minute of your life like you had a lot of needles coming and going from all your body.
I am not healed of this problem but I improved a lot, it’s like a completely different life now. I can do almost everything a normal person can do. I will not tell you how it felt the worst times, but when you scratch yourself and you get your own skin in your fingers and a liquid covering your skin... This is not comfortable. No, it’s not.
PS: It’s a nonsense, cause I went nicely to the bathroom this early morning. Then, I slept a bit again and I went to the bathroom awfully. If it was because of the food, I should have gone badly first, but it was the second time. Besides, after that I felt the electricity in my butt and my stomach behaving like a wash machine. It’s completely crazy. I feel good but then I feel bad and then I feel good again. What should I do? I don’t care about the food anymore cause it has nothing to do with it. I use to make strict diets but it’s the same as nothing.

Dear Soul:

I write to you cause I have nobody to write to. Lately I’ve been thinking about my life - this is something I always do - . Life is strange. I mean, I don’t have any problems but at the same time I have a lot of them. When I was younger I planned some things to my life, and I achieved them: I got a job guaranteed for life, I rented my own apartment in the center of my city... But I’m not happy, tough. I was dreaming too much lately. As I didn’t have to care about material things anymore, I fell in love with a Kpop singer and I dreamed too much about ETs and life beyond Earth.
But I don’t feel this is ok. This will not lead me to anywhere. I knew it at the beginning but I kept dreaming. I always had a big imagination. Thanks to this imagination, I reached where I am. Nevertheless, I’m stuck here. I feel I have reached the top. I feel there’s nothing more to seek for, both more to expect from life. I have what I need for me.
I think the problem is that I expect more from the people. I didn’t care too much about them before cause I was trying to solve my own problems, but now that I cannot ask more from life, I tried to change my little world from my job. At the beginning I had tons of illusion, but I was very deceived. They always dismiss me. Even when I offered them ideas to make things easier and quicker, they didn’t listen to me and they kept complaining about the same problems. It’s like they are deaf. If I say something to improve things, they ignore me and they do exactly the opposite. My mind is really out of them. I don’t want to think about them anymore, but at the same time I must do it cause they are a part of my life. Theories about ETs on YouTube and fangirling a Kpop singer will not improve my life.
I think the human being always wants expansion in every way. Once you reached some point, you want to go further than that. But I cannot get it in this case. I should accept I have dreaming too much lately about impossible things and people in my work will not change. I will have to deal with that.
I am 31 years old now. I still have about 30 or 40 years working before a little retreat and dying.
I really don’t know what to do about it. It’s a long time. People say life is short. Life is so f*cking long!!!
I know I should deal the best I can with the same problems every day - problems in my job, I don’t really have any problem outside. This is what people do. Things don’t change magically and you always must struggle so much to get something little.
I uplifted myself so many times. I believed you don’t have limits and you can get everything you want, but I realize this is not true. It helps you to improve your life and feel better, but it’s not true. Things are always difficult and hard, specially when you’re treating other people. Woah, when you’re treating other people, things can be impossible. That’s why I am writing here to you, my soul. It’s like splitting me in two parts to be able to talk to someone. Nobody will read this, nobody will leave a comment, so it’s a nonsense to write to other people like this blog is gonna be ridden by somebody else. I did, at the beginning. When I started to write in a blog, 12 years ago. But after all this time, if I was writing to myself hoping to be ridden, it’s really discouraging to hold the same hopes. After 12 years, it’s time to accept this does not work. Even tough, it’s a relief to write sometimes.
I am wondering what picture I can put here in this post. It will be something random. Let’s be free and watch what happens. Till the next letter. Greetings.

Dear Soul:

As I promised, I’ll tell you about the boy I love. I will not say how did I “met” him cause the story is very strange. But I will tell you how is him.

He speaks with his whole body. I could listen to him for hours, even when I don’t understand a word. How he lives what he’s saying, and he pays a lot of attention to everything and everybody around him. He’s very sensitive. It’s strange how a man can be so sensitive, but he has the best of a woman and the best of a man. He can be everything. He can do everything, and everything ok. He’s the kind of guy impossible of hating if you listen to him for more than a minute.

But it’s not everything wonderful about him. Sometimes I am a bit annoyed cause he barely expresses himself. It’s very very difficult to see him posting more than a picture every month on Instagram, or watching him speaking alone without the other members of his group. I must admit this annoys me very much. But it’s not his fault, however. I would really like to know him deeper. But I cannot and this frustrates me very much.

He has a bright smile. It’s not only a smile, it’s like WOW. The sun starts shining when he smiles. I really envy him for that. I would like to be able to smile like him. It seems so easy for him. He’s always smiling, always in a bright way. I am really bad faking smiles and even when I smile honestly, I don’t smile nicely.

He has the sweetest voice in the universe and the toughest muscled body in just one person. It sounds weird, but he manages himself to make it fit perfectly. He sings like an angel, and he’s hot like a bad guy. Really, you need to meet him to believe it, but he makes this fit perfectly.

I think he doesn’t express himself cause he’s a bit insecure about talking but when he talks “seriously” I could really listen to him for hours. He believes so much in what he’s saying, he looks so interesting and he’s so funny. He’s learning English and even when he’s not very fluent expressing himself, he has the best pronunciation in the world. For me, at least. Maybe he’s a bit afraid of failing and that’s why he’s not very fluent, cause when he tries he does it very well.

He adores to win. This is a very important fact about him. He’s respectful, polite, kind, nice, warm... But if you or someone else teases him... He’s terrible. He will not stop till he wins you, even if he wins an old piece of a napkin. But he wins. This is very important for him. Winning things. You should not mess with him this way. He’s the most cheerful mate in the world, even though. He’s very, very, very supportive. Patient. Passionate. Caring. Loving. Valuable. Talented. Good looking. Smart.

Really, you should meet him. It seems I am blinded and lying, but believe me he’s like this. I am not the kind of person who denies reality to make it fit with her interests. He’s really, really wonderful and this is not because I say it. Everybody knows it.

Maybe I will have the chance to talk to him. I will tell you if I have the chance. He’s like a dream. A dream with legs. A heart with arms. It’s really hard to believe that I could have the chance to talk to him, but it’s really hard to believe that someone like him can be alive, too. So why not? Talking to him is the best thing that could happen ever to me. I was dreaming of it for so long. But I was deceived so many times in my life that I don’t want to hold a lot of expectations. Let’s see what happens.

I will share with you a picture of him smiling, to melt your heart:

There’s a lot of pictures of him being hot but I will share with you only this one

Me in the Celtic side

Dear Soul:

Today I was visiting an ancient place. A mountain where cultures of the old Europe lived before the Roman Empire invaded them. Celtic people lived in these same rocks, a lot of years ago. It’s an energetic place. You can see my hometown from this place. The Lonia river is below, flowing and refreshing the air. You can hear it from above.

These big rocks are on the top of the mountain, next to the houses where the people lived. I don’t know the purpose of them, but I feel they are there for some reason. Maybe giving equilibrium to this place. I don’t know. But I felt the energy there. I was sitting in a rock for a while, and I saw how everything started turning white, like a transparent light started to flow around this place.

I think there was rapes in these place. Those pictures came to my mind. Soldiers of the Roman Army trapping women and children. I prayed for this place to be healed, for justice to come to the people who suffered there. In the end, I took a lonely yellow flower and I put it in an old Roman house. Old houses of the Empire are still there, too. They came after Celts. The flower had even soil in the roots, so I hope this flower will grow there.

I was trying to put light in the dark side.

I hope some day I will be able to know what really happened to these old European cultures invaded by Rome.

When I was sitting in an old Celtic house, I felt the energy there. They were passionate people. They had hope. I wish I can receive their heritage and helping to heal this world. I love them. I want to know more about them. I was reading a book about this place in the library where I work, but this book told almost only about the Roman ruins, cause archeologists focused on that.

It’s said that the story is always told by the winners. I wish the story of this people can be told someday too.

Kisses,


Marta

PS: The name of this place is San Tomé, castro de San Tomé. It’s called by the name of a catholic saint, something strange for a place where the Celts lived once. I will share a picture of me with a Celtic costume from my imagination. I designed it, and in this picture I was wearing it. I am sure it has a little to do with the real Celtic dresses, but this is my imagination.

                 Picture by Marta Santos

My holidays on planet Earth are giving me interesting results. First of all: happiness is not possible here. You can try your best and find some peace inside your heart, if you manage to be alone enough and having some free time. Then, happy and relaxed moments can come. But don’t try to find the love here. Ever. Women feel jealousy and men hate you. Deal with that. Build your own paradise apart from them. Maybe, inside your mind, you can find the island where everything is ok. It’s difficult cause darkness grabs your heart and shakes it all the time, but you can do it. Rely on yourself. Lately, I have been building my perfect loving relationship, even though he’s so apart from me. HE’S AMAZING. I will share a picture with you, so you will see how beautiful and manly he is:

Jeon Jungkook. Picture from the internet 

Do you see? He’s astonishing beautiful, very polite and respectful and hot and passionate and attractive and attentive and kind and loving and ... He’s the perfect dream. But as I said before, he’s not for me. I believe I caught his attention but nobody will let him touch me. Planet Earth is complicated. People is always working to make things difficult to each other. They don’t enjoy their lives, neither they let the others enjoy. They are always so busy doing useless and harmful things.

But you have to believe their lies. Everything is ok, even when you see clearly everything is not ok. Let them be apart. It’s their problem. Not mess with that so much. They are happy with their unhappiness. 

Anyway, there’s good things here. I adore old people, for example. Old people here always sit in a bench and they spend there hours, breathing the air, receiving sunlight and talking to each other about things they watched in TV or in the newspaper, or things happening in the town or neighborhood. When they are old, they have all day for themselves and they are not stressed like people of middle age. You can see a lot of them sitting in the same bench, one next to each other but everyone looking straight. They are funny. Old people are the funniest.

People of middle age is so lost in a lot of troubles. Job, home, children, paying taxes, going to parties, marrying, searching for a lover outside their marriage... Bfff. I really stress myself looking at them, but I am in the first 30s so I should be like them soon. I don’t want to. I would love to press FF button of my life and going directly into 70s. If they are not sick, they do know how to live life. They even have sports for old people, and parties and everything.

Young people is a jungle. Literally. Fighting each other, trying to be the best of the crew, trying to get the best boyfriend or girlfriend, always following trends and fashion they see on magazines - lately in the internet. They don’t know who they are and they always want to be someone else. They are so lost and they bully each other easily. I don’t like them really much. I didn’t like them even when I was one of them. I was different but bullied. Maybe this is who I will be in my middle age. OMG, I am really looking forward to reach 70s.

I will tell you more things, dear soul. Spring is coming here. It’s nice to walk the parks and the air is so comfortable. I really like to walk in the late evening, before the sunset. Light is very warm and everything looks kinda relaxing. 

Thank you for being here and thank you for everything. Your 3D version,

Marta

PS: I will tell you more things about the boy I love. He’s incredible.