Dear Soul:
Tonight I’m gonna tell you about my mother. She was the person I connected the most in my family.
She hadn’t an easy life. She was run over when she was alone in a foreign city taking care of my brother and sisters. She almost die sinking in the river. She had to take care of a lot of old people in my family, my father, myself and my brother and sisters. Everything at the same time.
She was the most blamed of us. For everything. Every little mistake was very awful if she was the one making it. My father was always forgiven, but my mother was always blamed. If the food was not delicious, if she spelled wrong a word, if she forgot about some stupid thing...
She said she would die before causing problems to other people. She wanted to die when she was not useful for the rest anymore. But she was always necessary cause somebody had to cook and clean the house, and of course guess who. Besides, the daughter of my sister is very young and she’s often sick. My sister works many hours so guess who cares about the little girl. And my brother has a son and a daughter too, he doesn’t live in this city but when he comes the weekend... Guess who cares about the lil monsters. I have to say that me, as a good aunt, also spent a lot of hours taking care of them. But I don’t live in that house anymore so I conquered my own freedom.
I deeply connected with my mother. She was interested in writing poems, drawing, swimming- I used to swim a lot when I was 15 -. She was also interested in spiritual and growing issues. Since I was young, she had magazines talking about ghosts and UFOs. Mysterious and paranormal things. I liked these things a lot, even when I didn’t believe neither deny them as I said, till them became too obvious. I used to walk with her in nature, talking openly about everything we could not talk to my father- he was a very catholic man.
Anyway, I don’t want to be like her. She lived denying herself just to please others. And she usually was very rough. She slapped me with no reason like she was doing kick boxing. Twice. I still remember. One of them was because she was frustrated cause I didn’t help her to please the priest of our neighborhood. He came suddenly when I was sick, and I said to my mother I didn’t want to see him cause I was sick. She slapped me endlessly because of that. The other time was because she wanted to please an old aunt who blamed me for something I don’t remember. She slapped me several times in a row. My mother barely slapped me, but when she started, she couldn’t end.
As I said, she wanted to please everybody. So it was not difficult to connect to her. Besides, we had a lot of common interests. But she wants to please me at the same time she wants to please others, and sometimes this is not possible cause we’re two parts going to different directions. She would always choose my father, my brother and sisters, my nieces and nephew over me. To make me please them, too. She said once I was very very young I should not mess with my old sisters, cause I would always lose. I felt a bit frustrated cause for me it’s not a matter of who’s more powerful, but a matter of justice. But my mother is very hierarchical.
She was not specially delicate. She used to hurt me a lot when brushing my hair, for example. She was very clumsy sometimes and I preferred to do things by myself than messing even more or being hurt. One funny thing about her is that she could look at you with only one eye. You spoke to her and she had the half face looking at you while the other half messing in the fridge, for example. I laughed at her “don’t look at me with chicken face”. Cause chickens also look at you with only one eye. She also had a strange nose when she was angry. This was very funny, too. I told her “don’t be so angry” and she said “I am not angry”, with the nose of a very angry woman and a big fake smile. Well, maybe the smile was not so big, but she tried really hard. She also damned the mother who brought me to life. “But this is you”. She didn’t understand.
My mother was a very original person. She could damn you and say “I love you” the following second. I didn’t know if she was true when damning or when she said she loved me. I suppose the last part, cause she’s my mother. She had a very strong emotional intelligence. As she was blamed all the time for everybody, she developed the capacity of not feeling blame for anything. She always blamed others and she was at peace with that. I really envyed this capacity. I used to feel very guilty about everything, even though I changed a lot and I barely blame myself anymore.
Well, I think it’s enough right now. Tomorrow I start working again so maybe I don’t post till the next weekend. Greetings.
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