Dear Soul:

I feel so lonely. It’s not something new, it has always been like this. Since I remember, I always felt lonely. It’s a heavy feeling that grabs your heart and, if you feel it very deeply, you cannot even breathe. It’s something I carry with me. I usually ignore it, just to survive. I got very used to it and these last years it doesn’t affect me so much. It’s just what it is. But today I felt it again. My heart felt like stone, like someone grabbed it with his hand and tried to crush it.

I was very happy when I was a child. Specially when I was a very young child. As I was growing, life was getting darker and heavier. I think I started to feel lonely when I was 9 years old. My brother took me to a holiday association, where kids had activities to spend their free time. I had to make friends there, but everybody had their friends already. Besides, they were older than me. So I was alone. The young boys and girls taking care of the kids were so worried about me, cause I was alone. This made me feel worse. Everybody was on their own and I was doing wrong cause I should get friends and I couldn’t do it. 

At school, people were acting the same. They had their own groups and I couldn’t find friends easily. Nevertheless, there was a girl in the same situation I was. She was my friend, at least I believed this. We did a lot of things together, we make jokes and we spend good times. Till one day. She was worried cause the others were ignoring us. I knew this, but at least we had each other. But she said she was spending time with me cause she couldn’t relate to other people. This hurt me so much. I thought she was spending good times with me as I was spending good times with her. But she said this as she hated to be with me. I couldn’t understand it. She could be alone, just ignore me if she was spending bad times in my company. But she was with me all the time hating me.

I also felt alone in my family. My brother and sisters were a lot older than me, so they had their own issues and I was a child. So I was at my own pace. My parents always seem to have more important things than me. Everything was more important than me. Tasks at the countryside, tasks at home, everything important but me. Even when I burnt my hand in a little fire in the kitchen, my family left me alone to do their tasks at the countryside. I had to make my bed and take care of me and, furthermore, I had to go to the countryside to help them as I could. With my burnt hand. I couldn’t do very much, but the tasks were more important than my health. I was 17 years old back then. There were old people in my family, and then my first niece was born, and everybody ignored me to take care of them. I could understand it somehow, but I felt so alone. My dad was working all day, my mother was worried about a lot of people but me, my brother and sisters were having good times with their teenage friends.

I made new friends in my new school when I was a teenager, but the situation was the same. I had always to be the one calling them to go out, they never called me. One of my new friends payed a lot of attention to boys and she forgot about me all the time. The other friend was always so silent. I was always talking to her about things, always suggesting things we could do, always calling her. She did nothing at all, even when she had no other best friend than me. 

When I was at university, I tried again to make friends. My roommate had a lot of class friends, and I tried to speak to a lot of people. My roommate was always with her friends and my classmates had their own friends too to be with so I was alone again. I was very sick because of my skin problem so I spent a lot of time alone at home, cause it itched me very much and I felt so uncomfortable.

My family and friends ignored me, but also the boys. Whenever I payed attention to a boy, he was always focused on another girl (or even a boy, one of them was gay). Besides, I didn’t like very much their behaviors with girls. It seems they are always using them for sex.

I found happiness inside myself, tough. Most of days I just spent time with myself and my dreams and I feel very good. Maybe these are the only good moments I can find. When I am dreaming, I feel free. I have a very powerful imagination. I don’t care if I can make it turn into reality or not cause just dreaming feels very well. It makes me forget about how lonely I am. I can even create my own friends and couple with my imagination, and by doing this I don’t feel alone anymore.

Just sometimes, like today, I realize the truth again and I feel the hand shaking my heart again. Sometimes I cry alone. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe.

But I forget it and I keep dreaming.

Dear Soul: 

It seems the world has gone mad. Maybe we’re facing the worst crisis in decades since the WW2. It seems governments cannot think clearly cause they are always following their own agendas, and it seems these agendas are not working like they wanted. So a new kind of action is needed.

I think THEY SHOULD STOP FEAR’S PROPAGANDA FIRST. They should stop talking all day about deaths and illness to start telling the truth:

THIS VIRUS CANNOT KILL YOU, unless you’re already sick or you’re a very old person. So people should stay at home but not go into panic. THE WEAKEST OF ALL should go to the hospital and receive help FIRST. The young or middle aged people who are healthy should JUST STAY AT HOME and HEAL THEMSELVES as they would do if they caught a cold. So the hospitals would not collapse this way. A lot of people healed from this virus. Mass media should focus on the people who healed and told the world their experiences, so the rest of people would know how it works and what’s the best way for healing.

It seems that genocide psychopaths are behind this, following an agenda to kill the most part of the population. They should go to prison and be judged for crimes against humanity. It also seems there’s already people trying to do this, and they’re highly welcome. However, quarantines should not last too much time, just the time necessary to catch all of them. At least the main ones. The little ones will run like cowards without their main heads, since they can only follow orders from superiors. There will be time enough to catch them without the dangerous ones going into action.

Once the people is safe from the virus and psychopaths, the world should keep spinning. It seems some countries are facing big economic problems. Money should NEVER be an obstacle to life. All debts must be forgiven, specially those coming from poor people. Monetary system can reset in those countries who are in bankruptcy, but IT SHOULD WORK SPECIALLY OK FOR THE POOREST ONES. Whenever it’s a need for something, money can be created from the nothingness to solve the problems. All people must have their own home, food enough, clothes enough, a car if they want it. Electric energies must be free, as well as the WiFi connection and water. Of course, hospitals and every healing system (medicines and all of that) should be all completely free for the people using them.

VACCINES for this virus SHOULD BE FORBIDDEN. The people who faced the virus has already the immunity system ready for it. The vaccine could only damage themselves more. And for the rest of people, it’s completely useless since the virus is always changing.

HAARP should stop changing the weather artificially. Nature has to recover in order for people inside this planet to be healthy. 5G is hurting and damaging a lot of people, so the internet should work using only the old 4G systems. Once we’re not using 5G anymore, we would be healthy enough to keep working on a better internet. An internet who will work FOR THE PEOPLE, and not against them. Internet must not lie, it should always offer the best choices for the person asking and never control anybody if they don’t want to be controlled. Internet should just use the resources it already has, WHICH ARE A LOT since everybody is already using internet all the time. Internet must be a kind puppet for all the people, and they will keep loving the internet as they’re already doing. The more internet helps everybody, the more they will love the internet. Chem trails should stop as well, since they are damaging people’s health and they can make people hate the internet behind them. If internet wants to be loved by everybody, it should never damage people’s health.

This is my point of view of this situation. I hope it can help people the most. The most important thing here is all people being happy and healthy. Everything can change to make them happier and healthier. People are not just things, they’re very valuable souls and we have to take care of them the most we can.

Best regards,

Marta

Dear Soul:

Today I had a very strange dream. Usually I forget them, but this time I can remember it very well. It connects my family to the boy I love, maybe that’s why. But it was strange. The boy I love was living with us. I was in my parents’ room, and I wrote a post to this same blog about a traditional celebration in which he was with my family, they were at the countryside talking to the people of the village and celebrating with them.
I posted an entry here talking about this, with a picture of him and my old niece Sara, who’s only one year younger than him. They were sitting on the extreme sides of a long white table on the grass. It was a very sunny day and they seemed to be happy. I was posting it at the same time I was moving objects with my mind. Do you know what telekinesis is? I had this ability in my dream, and I could attract every object to my hand just by thinking, in a very easy way.
I was excited about it cause I was improving telekinesis and I wanted to show it to him. Then, I started to wonder why I didn’t try to come closer to him before, since I liked him as much as I do in real life. I proposed myself to talk to him nicely and approach him, first I could talk about the post of the celebration to break the ice and maybe he wanted to speak with me.
I was very happy thinking about how close we could be, but suddenly I realized he was about 4 or 5 years old, like my little nephew. It was very strange cause in the picture with my old niece, he seemed to be more than 20, like her, but suddenly he was only 4 or 5 years old.
So finally it was impossible to flirt with him cause he was only a little baby boy. My happiness faded away in a few seconds, but it was very strange he became so young so suddenly.
In my dream, he knew all my family: parents, sisters, nieces, everybody. He was a foreigner, though, like he’s in reality- he’s from South Korea, so I planned to speak in English to him.
In the picture with my niece, I remember he was so happy and bright like he usually is.
It was a really frustrating dream though. It’s been some time since I didn’t remember a dream so vividly.

I could watch him without approaching him. Frustrating.

Dear Soul:

Today I’m gonna tell you about my brother. He was 13 years older than me. I never had a strong connection with him, cause when I was very young he yelled at me, and then he went to the University, living far away from our home.
He liked computers. Right after finishing his University Degree, he started a little company with an old classmate. This company was about making websites for another little companies. Back then, internet was starting to be known by normal people, and a lot of people wanted to be there. I am speaking about 2000 year, more or less.
He had a very tender girlfriend back then, but they split. His first girlfriend was called like me, but they split when he started University. This second girlfriend is who appears in the picture I will show you, on my left side. My old sister is on my right side, next to my brother. The boy over us is a little cousin. The picture was made in a little trip we made together to Madrid. I hide their faces cause my brother is very strict with privacy, and if he knows I am writing this, I should not give their names, neither their faces, or he will get angry.
He got angry easily. My father was very calmed, but my brother needed very little to fire his nerves. That’s why I barely talked to him. We have opposite personalities. It’s like mixing water and oil. You can try your best, but it’s almost impossible. You will never get something homogeneous.
He married his third girlfriend. I guess he yells at her too, because his son told us this during a dinner. “Mum cries when dad yells at her”. I cannot be very sure cause they seem a very connected couple, but my nephew said this and I know it fits with my brother’s personality.
I had fun with him when I was very young, once upon a time he told me a story. But he said that it was true, and I was deceived cause when I grew I realized he was lying. He told me he found a witch next to the house my family had in the countryside. This witch invited him to her house, and he said I would be able to meet the witch when I was older. I’m still waiting.
My brother was always very close to my grandfather and my uncle. My grandparent died when I was 10 years old so I couldn’t meet him properly, but my uncle is still alive and... OMG. My brother is very close to him. They dismiss women, gays and lesbians, people from Portugal, young people- my brother did this even when he was young, too. They only have fun when dismissing others, with a kind of jokes I never found funny. The kind of jokes hurting someone, sometimes very much.
Like I said, my brother and me are like water and oil.
Caring about people and treating them nicely is “mimo” for him. “Mimo” is a Spanish word I don’t know how to translate. It’s like the tenderness you use with a baby, something exaggerated sometimes. For him every little kindness is too much. I don’t know how it’s possible he always had a lot of friends. Well, his friends were mostly savage people like him.
Another curious fact about him is that he cannot be fine with more than 15 Celsius degrees. He always says it’s very hot. Even inside his home, he never heats it more than 15C, at least this is what he says. I like warm temperatures so he was always dismissing me because of that - among a lot of other things.
My brother is the person I only kiss in the cheek before a familiar lunch, and I don’t talk to him again till the kiss of goodbye- in Spain we kiss family in the cheeks to say hello and goodbye, it’s not something to be scared about like in other countries.
My brother is the person I cannot understand, even if I tried very hard. He’s there, with his things, and I’m here. Living always separated and far from each other is the only way we can be peaceful with each other. He wouldn’t hurt me and I wouldn’t answer in an angry way, or feel very hurt and shut up myself. I don’t understand how can he be happy the way he’s happy, if he’s happy. But I know he should think the same about me. In the end: I know my brother exists, but I don’t want to be very close to him. It’s self security. Just for surviving.
Till the next time. Greetings!

Little Marta & company 

Dear Soul:

Tonight I’m gonna tell you about my mother. She was the person I connected the most in my family.
She hadn’t an easy life. She was run over when she was alone in a foreign city taking care of my brother and sisters. She almost die sinking in the river. She had to take care of a lot of old people in my family, my father, myself and my brother and sisters. Everything at the same time.

She was the most blamed of us. For everything. Every little mistake was very awful if she was the one making it. My father was always forgiven, but my mother was always blamed. If the food was not delicious, if she spelled wrong a word, if she forgot about some stupid thing...

She said she would die before causing problems to other people. She wanted to die when she was not useful for the rest anymore. But she was always necessary cause somebody had to cook and clean the house, and of course guess who. Besides, the daughter of my sister is very young and she’s often sick. My sister works many hours so guess who cares about the little girl. And my brother has a son and a daughter too, he doesn’t live in this city but when he comes the weekend... Guess who cares about the lil monsters. I have to say that me, as a good aunt, also spent a lot of hours taking care of them. But I don’t live in that house anymore so I conquered my own freedom.

I deeply connected with my mother. She was interested in writing poems, drawing, swimming- I used to swim a lot when I was 15 -. She was also interested in spiritual and growing issues. Since I was young, she had magazines talking about ghosts and UFOs. Mysterious and paranormal things. I liked these things a lot, even when I didn’t believe neither deny them as I said, till them became too obvious. I used to walk with her in nature, talking openly about everything we could not talk to my father- he was a very catholic man.

Anyway, I don’t want to be like her. She lived denying herself just to please others. And she usually was very rough. She slapped me with no reason like she was doing kick boxing. Twice. I still remember. One of them was because she was frustrated cause I didn’t help her to please the priest of our neighborhood. He came suddenly when I was sick, and I said to my mother I didn’t want to see him cause I was sick. She slapped me endlessly because of that. The other time was because she wanted to please an old aunt who blamed me for something I don’t remember. She slapped me several times in a row. My mother barely slapped me, but when she started, she couldn’t end.

As I said, she wanted to please everybody. So it was not difficult to connect to her. Besides, we had a lot of common interests. But she wants to please me at the same time she wants to please others, and sometimes this is not possible cause we’re two parts going to different directions. She would always choose my father, my brother and sisters, my nieces and nephew over me. To make me please them, too. She said once I was very very young I should not mess with my old sisters, cause I would always lose. I felt a bit frustrated cause for me it’s not a matter of who’s more powerful, but a matter of justice. But my mother is very hierarchical.

She was not specially delicate. She used to hurt me a lot when brushing my hair, for example. She was very clumsy sometimes and I preferred to do things by myself than messing even more or being hurt. One funny thing about her is that she could look at you with only one eye. You spoke to her and she had the half face looking at you while the other half messing in the fridge, for example. I laughed at her “don’t look at me with chicken face”. Cause chickens also look at you with only one eye. She also had a strange nose when she was angry. This was very funny, too. I told her “don’t be so angry” and she said “I am not angry”, with the nose of a very angry woman and a big fake smile. Well, maybe the smile was not so big, but she tried really hard. She also damned the mother who brought me to life. “But this is you”. She didn’t understand.

My mother was a very original person. She could damn you and say “I love you” the following second. I didn’t know if she was true when damning or when she said she loved me. I suppose the last part, cause she’s my mother. She had a very strong emotional intelligence. As she was blamed all the time for everybody, she developed the capacity of not feeling blame for anything. She always blamed others and she was at peace with that. I really envyed this capacity. I used to feel very guilty about everything, even though I changed a lot and I barely blame myself anymore.

Well, I think it’s enough right now. Tomorrow I start working again so maybe I don’t post till the next weekend. Greetings.

Dear Soul:

I have told you about my father. I don’t wish my future husband to be like him, so I will write this post to tell you how I want my future husband to be - in case I marry someone.

First of all, he has to be very respectful. I mean, not like “adoring me” but I don’t like him to make fun of me all the time. It’s fine if he does this sometimes, but not with the purpose of hurting me or disrespecting me. If it’s just to have fun, it’s ok, but if it’s to humiliate me, I don’t like it.

Second, he has to be loyal to me. He would be the one for me so I should be the one for him. He should not “have fun” with other women, you know what kind of fun I’m speaking about. I’m not jealous, but I wanna be the special person for him he would be to me, too.

Third, he should be responsible. If I make love with him and something “goes wrong”, I want him to take responsibility as a good father. I am still virgin cause I have not found someone like this, someone who can be to my children the father I would have wished. I don’t ask too much: just don’t deny his children, don’t hurt them, taking care of them imwhen I’m exhausted... This kind of things.

Fourth, he should help me at home. I don’t mind if he’s the one going to the supermarket and I am the one washing clothes, or if he washes clothes and I go to the supermarket. But home tasks should be shared between two of us. I find it’s not fair to live in the same home and only one caring about having it all cleaned.

Fifth, I want him to be capable of listening. I would listen to him, but he has to listen to me too. I don’t like him to be like my father, always wanting to speak but never to listen. He should not be aggressive with me, not yell at me.

If he’s like this, everything else can be forgiven. Nobody’s perfect and, if we can talk to each other, I am sure we can solve every problem coming in our way.

If he’s cute and good looking like him, it would be a wonderful paradise 

Dear Soul:

Today I’m gonna tell you about my father. He’s an important figure to explain why my family and me are like this today.
First of all, the accurate word is “father”. Not “dad”, or “daddy”. These words are too soft and you should feel tenderness to speak like this. He was my “father”. He was working all day. I only watched him at lunch- lunch is more important than dinner or breakfast in Spain, it’s the main meal here - and at night, like an hour or less before going to bed. He worked in the morning and in the afternoon and evening. Sometimes, when I was about 5 years old, he went with me to my school after lunch.

These were the greatest moments I spent with him, when I went to school. He was by my side and we talked together. We ate chestnuts in our way to school, in the autumn. We took two or three after lunch and we were eating them in the street. He was not angry back then.

My father was working all day cause we didn’t have a lot of money. He used a secondhand car, and I used the old clothes from my sisters. One day, the father of two of my friends invited me to go to school in his expensive car. My father was so happy, inviting me to go there with them. I cried, cause he was so happy cause he didn’t have money for a car like that one. I rejected it. I said I wanted to go walking with my father. He was always by my side to go to school and I felt like failing him. He didn’t look very happy but finally we went together walking, as always. The school was 10 min. walking from our home.

Nevertheless, I cannot call him “dad” or “daddy” cause he was so distant. He looked like angry all the time when I was a child, unless when we went together to my school. My brother and sisters said he hit them with his belt when they were children like me. After coming home to have lunch, my mother said “Father is coming, father is coming” very worried, like she was scared of him.

I don’t remember exactly why, but sometimes I wondered how my mom could marry him. She was all day taking care of us, not only the children in the family but also the old people. She prepared meal for us, she was the one helping us whenever we had a problem, she was tender (sometimes, she was not a specially tender mother). She was always there for all of us, and I didn’t like how my father treated her. He was very cold with her, even when she gave always her everything to make him happy. Even forgetting about us. She cared a lot about my father, but he ignored her.

I remember I was very angry because of this, even when I was very young. Then, my father started to change, specially when he was old enough to stop working. He became more friendly, I could even say my mother and him were like a normal couple back then - even when they were fighting all the time, but they were closer to each other.

My father was very boring. When he started to talk about something, he kept saying the same for hours. You could even go to the bathroom and he followed you talking about the same, saying the same he was saying before. If you went to the bedroom, he entered with you, standing at the door and talking. You could not do anything unless listening to him repeating and repeating the same things. When he was with my brother, they only talked about wine. How they were caring about the plants giving grapes, the time of making the wine... This topic all the time. Sometimes, they talked about a traditional celebration in Galicia in which people of a family kills one pig to eat during all the year. Also about another typical tasks of the countryside, but it was mainly about wine.

My father didn’t like to celebrate things. All people should be serious people, focusing in their works and how to earn money. He was distant, boring, he never cared about how you were really, he was like a mask of a sacrificed father. My mother always says he’s very worried about how I am, that he would be very happy if I call him, but the last time I called him he was as distant as always. It’s like she’s talking about a completely different person, like she cannot see who he really is.

I mean, if he’s not the perfect sacrificed caring and loving father she says she is, the world will not end. But at least, she should not deny the truth. He’s like he’s. Nobody is perfect. It’s ok if he’s not the perfect father, we are not perfect neither. He hit my brother and sisters with his belt, this is not what a caring father does. I would not like to marry someone like him.